I really hate people who say things like, “don’t let your mental disorder define your existence”. My disorder defines some of my existence and there is nothing I can do about it.
I have PTSD, PD, and GAD. That means that all day every day, I’m either experiencing panic, anxiety, or stress. My psychologist says that it’s unlikely that I will ever experience the feelings of “calmness” and “relaxation”. If that isn’t one, gigantic, life-defining thing, then I don’t know what is.
I’m just really tired of constantly having my chest be tight, my legs shaking, my breath being shallow, and tears filling my eyes. I’m tired of feelings like this always.
One of my Facebook friends added my rapist to her friends list and his stupid face showed up in my newsfeed. That was on Saturday. I’ve been shaking and weeping for days.
I tried to do some self-exposure therapy, but that only made it worst. Although I do know now that he posts way too much information about himself on the Internet and I know both his home address and where he works. Luckily, I’m not him. Because if I posted my home address on the Internet, he would show up at my house. Just like how he got his mom to show up at my mom’s work place after he figured out where she worked.
I’m just so worked up now and I’m so angry. I just wish that he had never raped me so I could stop reliving it every single day. I never want to think about him again, but he made sure that I’ll never be able to forget him.
If being drunk causes people to be raped, I wouldn’t have been raped when I was sober.
If wearing revealing clothing causes people to be raped, I wouldn’t have been raped while wearing jeans and a sweater.
If being sexy or promiscuous causes people to be raped, I wouldn’t have been raped when I was 7.
Nothing causes rape other than rapists.
-It is not cute
-It is hell
-Want to order pizza? Too fucking bad
-Want to go to a party? Be prepared to want to leave after 5 seconds
-Need to ask a salesperson for a different size? Guess you’re not getting it
-Hungry but it’s crowded in the restaurant? No food for you
-Social anxiety SUCKS
-It keeps you from doing things you want to do
-It makes you feel like shit
-Stop romanticizing it
-Social anxiety is absolute HELL